lasting love

Went to a halloween party last night. Tons of people from my childhood, with all their children. Watching the kids eat so much candy they were sick. Playing video games, chasing each other, and getting soaked while bobbing for apples. I am tired and sore. They are exhausted. 

So strange that ten years ago, had we been gathered. We would have discussed fun times, what crazy shit to do next, drugs, parties and friends in jail. Last night we talked poop, sleep issues, school systems and worries of dating when they are older. While I sat there listening to the rants of some drunken parents and some sober. I had this giddiness bubbling inside knowing, that even though some of the things I thought would happen, once I had kids, went to shit. I had nights like this to look forward to.

Even though, I now understand that I am almost thirty, and it scares the shit out of me that I had “ten years of my life wasted” I wouldn’t trade a second of it. I wouldn’t have my boys who allowed me to live to thirty. 

I definitely must say. This has been the best week for me. (It’s been so long, I can’t say since ____.) Thank you to everyone who contributed in making my week laughable, happy, whole, and refreshing! 

when your climbing out of the bottom something happens to renew your, almost lost, faith in humanity. Or at least the part of humanity with penises. Even if the experience I shared with someone last night never occurs again. I know, that somewhere in the world, chivalry is not dead. That real men do exist. Even if they are very few and far between, they exist and that brings me some peace. 

 One day I know my friend will be Queen Overlord of the Planet and will give me whatever Country or Continent I want. It seems so far away and possibly too soon. I miss her. I miss my friends, I miss my untainted view of the world and all the people in it. I know pieces of my innocence remains, but they are so far apart, it is hard to remember. 

 I don’t remember what it feels like to be loved. I don’t remember the last time I woke up in someones arms and yet my entire being aches for it. Life seems to be moving so quickly, strange how having the boys has set the clock to light speed. It feels like it took forever to get here. Now, that its just the five of us. I wonder where the last few months have gone. 

 My dreams have returned, I missed them. The sky still painfully overcast, but sometimes at night the stars break through and I smile. Strange smiling in my sleep, makes my mood lighter in the day. Everyday I get a little lonelier and yet somehow, I feel strangely better. My day may suck, I may get hurt, the kids may be terrible, but each day I hold my head a little higher… 

I have a headache I can’t seem to shake. I’m looking at my life and seeing the mess of it for the first time. I am so far off my course that I really could go off to die like a dog. My boys have been a nightmare for days now, Doug is ignoring my existence. I miss God but blame him for this mess.
I’ve hit the bottom of my emotional range. I know this because I have busted out a figurative toothbrush and taken to cleaning. It’s my way of climbing out of a seemingly endless hole. I’m hungry and know it’s an emotional urge to eat.
I disconnected from Facebook for no other reason than to see if anyone would care. So far it’s unnoticed. I wish I could take to lesbianism but can’t seem to picture liking vagina pleasantly. I have fallen in love with imaginary people. People who are perfect if my wings weren’t so weighted down. I feel alone in a universe where I am the black hole that ended creation. I want to crawl inside of myself and sleep for an age. I need this nightmare to end. I may be breathing but I’m no longer alive.
This is the depth.

Over the weekend I confessed that I am entering self destruct mode. When a relationship fails, I feel as though I broke every promise I made. I feel like I am just not enough.

The response I got was insightful and honest, but somehow inaccurate. I was told that I can not base my happiness on other peoples, which I know is true. Also, that I can not blame myself for everyone’s mistakes or problems. That I need to know what I want for myself. 

This is flawed. All I have ever wanted was for someone to love me. I love who I am. I believe I am a good and honest person and I have worked very hard to be who I am today. I want people I love and care about to be happy and at peace in life.

I don’t care about money, possessions, or even my own basic needs. I never have and probably never will. I feel like everyone thinks this is the wrong way to look at life. Or its possibly the right way, just completely unrealistic.

I don’t know how to change into someone more selfish, because I don’t have the wants that make selfish. Sleep is probably the only thing I am selfish about. how do I fix something I don’t think is wrong or want to really change for that matter?

This is where I look at everyone and everything and just want to run and hide away from everyone. Just make me go away…